“I’m falling for you.”
As the words fell from his lips, her throat closed up, and she began to cough.
It wasn’t that she hadn’t been expecting it; she was a grown woman, thirty-four years old, and she knew men. She knew the signs that someone was getting close. She had seen it coming, had encouraged it even, because she did like him. He was a nice enough man. Not her type, but nice enough to spend time with, to enjoy the attention.
She hadn’t expected him to be so…straightforward. She was used to coyness from the men in her church, men who tiptoed around their feelings, who called you sister in church on Sunday afternoons, and then texted I saw you in my dreams at night. She was used to mixed signals, to red, yellow, and green lights all at once. Men who wanted to pray with you one day, and who you saw praying with another sister the next, and then you couldn’t question them because is it a crime to pray?
She’d gotten so accustomed to this game. Of course, they wouldn’t call it a game. In church, nobody admitted to playing games when it came to love and marriage. They all pretended that games were a thing of the world. But Raina had discovered that the men in church played games too, only that they had different rules.
One time, she and her friend from church had sat down over pepper soup in Raina’s house to dissect the games church men played. Raina called one set The Chess Brothers. The chess brothers were the ones who treated the women like disposable pieces on their boards. They got close to each woman to see what use they would be to them. Raina had ‘dated’ a chess brother before. He’d somehow made her think that her ability to wake at night to pray was one of the most attractive things about her.
I always heard my mother’s voice at night as a child. He said.
And what about your father? Raina had asked.
He slept. You know he had to get a good night’s sleep because he had to work in the morning. My mother was the spiritual pillar in our home.
It had made sense to Raina somehow at the time. She wanted to be a praying woman; she wanted to be the woman who prayed rigorously at 2 am. It was just that her alarm never seemed to wake her at 2 am. It was like the alarm in her phone was conspiring against her to keep her from her man. Anyway, she told him that yes, she woke up every night to pray just because she loved the way his face lit up at that thought. It wasn’t until the day her friend asked her how long she planned to keep up the lie, that what if they married and he expected her to wake up at midnight, and she didn’t?
That was how Raina had ended things with Mr. Chess. She thought she’d really broken his heart, until she saw him two weeks later, opening his passenger door for another sister to get in.
The Chess brothers usually had a certain outlook on life. They wanted to mix tradition and culture with scripture. They wanted a woman they could manipulate until she became a symbol of the Proverbs thirty-one woman they thought they needed.
Then, next was the Football brothers. Those were the ones who didn’t notice you until they noticed someone else noticing you, and then they began to bombard you with physical, emotional, and spiritual gifts. They complimented you on your dress when you walked into church, they bought thoughtful gifts for you, they offered to pray for you, and sprinkled every conversation with God told me. They only did this as long as they spotted another brother hanging around. They didn’t make their intentions known, nor did they ask how you felt; they just chased you with a single-mindedness that left you breathless. And then when you began to ask for a definition of your relationship, they dilly-dallied until the attention waned.
The Video Game brothers were the next set. These were almost perfect. Raina had fallen hard for a Video Game bro, and she didn’t think she’d recovered. Mak was his name. Makanjuola. Her chest still sang when she thought of him. Mak had come into the church after moving into town, and he had established himself pretty quickly as a leader. Mak was great at church. If church were a video game, he would be among the top scorers. He was present at every service, lifting holy hands, polite and respectful. Plus, he had a sonorous voice that he whipped out whenever he had to lead prayers on stage. Oh, he was bearded too.
When Mak began to pay attention to Raina, she’d been flattered because many women wanted his attention, and she wasn’t sure why he’d chosen her.
He wasn’t overbearing in his affection; he was just enough. He held her hands after church and walked her to her car. He tucked away a stray piece of hair lingering in her face without getting too close. He invited her to his house, where he cooked for her the most delicious native rice she’d ever tasted. Raina had fallen fast. For six months, they were around each other, saying a lot but not saying anything. Mak acted like her boyfriend on some days, and on other days, he acted like a friend, and because Raina had fallen for him, she was too scared to ask. What if asking made him change his mind? He was perfect. He treated her well, he was a good listener, he was a good friend, and didn’t they say you marry your friends?
It wasn’t until Raina showed up unexpectedly at his house on his thirty-second birthday that she realised that she was simply a character in Mak’s video game persona. He had another sister from church at his house, who had cooked him a special birthday meal and brought him a cake. Mak hadn’t acted guilty. He’d welcomed Raina in and asked her to join them.
Can I talk to you in private? she asked, upset.
Sure.
What’s going on here? She asked when they were outside.
What do you mean?
Why is Margaret here?
Oh, we’re friends. Like you and me.
What? Is that what we are? Just friends?
I’m confused, Ray-ray.
Don’t call me that. I’m saying, is that all we are? I thought we were…more.
Oh. Raina. I’m sorry. I’m a very friendly person. I was just making friends as I’m new in town.
So all that…all that was about you being friendly? You invited me to your house and cooked for me several times! You hold my hands when we walk. We spend time together a lot, Mak!
Okay. Maybe that’s confusing. But…I am friendly. I have lots of female friends and didn’t think it was a problem.
Raina was not proud of herself in that moment, because she had reared her right foot back and kicked his shins.
After Mak, Raina had sworn off brothers in church. It had taken her a while to get over him, and worse, because barely five months after, they announced his wedding to a lady who didn’t attend their church.
The next set of brothers in church were the athletes. They rushed from one situationship to another, one God told me you’re my wife to the next. The same way they came in and bamboozled you with spiritual declarations about marriage was the same way they rushed out. Raina’s friend, Salome or Sally, had been a recipient of such declarations. This brother-who-shall-not-be-named had waltzed into Sally’s DM one day, saying he would like to see her after service the next Sunday. Sally was intrigued, and of course, interested, because no matter how often they had singles conferences in church, the men in their church always seemed to treat the women as though they were invisible. They saw them but didn’t really see them. They saw Sister Sally, who ushered at the door, but not Sally, who took extra care with her makeup every Sunday, who brushed her full head of hair into a ponytail, and whose voice was quite lovely when she worshipped.
So when this brother asked for her time, Sally was excited. This brother-who-shall-not-be-named was not bad looking. He did have a gap tooth, but Sally was willing to overlook that because what if he was really her husband? Gap tooth was not do or die abeg.
Anyway, this brother told her God told him she was his wife. Sally said Okay, let me pray about it too. This brother said Don’t you trust me? Sally said it’s not about trust. I need to have my own witness in my heart, too.
This brother said Okay, pray, but don’t waste too much time. I’m looking for a wife, and God says you’re the one.
Sally blushed as any black woman possibly could, and then she closed her eyes and tried to picture this man by her side in their wedding photos. He was tall, so Sally didn’t mind the height. Anyway, Sally went to pray and didn’t hear or feel anything. It was like radio silence.
Sally then changed her prayers from Is this man the one for me? to God, if this man isn’t the one for me, show me.
Two days later, another sister in church tells Sally that this brother-who-shall-not-be-named had come to her three months before, telling her God said she was his wife, and when they began to get close, she had shared a bit of her past with him. He’d come back one day with a miraculously changed mind. Apparently, God had changed his mind and wanted someone who was more maternal for him.
Obviously, Sally went back to this brother-who-shall-not-be-named and told him God said no, that He wanted someone more paternal for her. It was hilarious.
When Sally told Raina this story, they laughed together.
They had given up on singles conferences, too. Raina had told Sally that this was the last singles conference she was attending because she wasn’t that desperate.
Whether it was a declaration of faith or one of exasperation, we might not know because it was at her last singles conference that Raina met this brother, no, this guy, this man who was admitting to falling in love with her without any caveats.
“You don’t have to say anything now. I want you to know that I’m not here to play games. I’m serious,” this man said.
Raina almost began to sob.
She thought of Mak, she thought of all the games she’d been an unwilling part of, of all the prayers she’d prayed, and then she raised her eyes to meet his.
“I’m falling for you, too.”