DEJI
Finding the appropriate marriage counsellor wasn’t as easy as Deji expected.
It wasn’t as if he could go about asking people for recommendations, not if he didn’t want people asking questions.
It was interesting how people pretended that their marriages were perfect and they had never needed counselling. Before now, Deji would have placed himself among the category of people who didn’t need counselling to make his marriage work. He was a good person, he did the right things. He loved his family, his children, he still loved his wife, yes he did. He believed he had done everything right, at least up until now. He provided for his family, he was a present dad, and a model husband, wasn’t he? People like him didn’t need marriage counselling.
He refused to think about the app he had deleted from his phone, the app that had caused him to drop his guard and almost almost speak to the wrong person. How dumb had he been to think that anonymity preserved him from facing the consequences of his decisions. Imagine if the person he was speaking to on the other end was someone he knew in real life. What an irony that would be.
His first idea when looking for a counsellor was to speak to someone at their church, but he knew how fast news travelled in church plus he suspected that they were likely to recommend a pastor from the church and he didn’t think he was willing to be that vulnerable with someone who saw them in church every Sunday.
Saving your marriage required privacy, he was beginning to realize. It was a small world and an even smaller town. What if news of their troubles got to people who knew them? How utterly embarrassing that would be, especially for Ivie whose troubles were unique. Then they would become fodder for dinner table conversation. He knew this because there was a time when he and Ivie enjoyed gossiping about other couples. They would get back from an event and while unwinding, would dissect the dynamics of other couples.
So yes, this was why they needed to find the right counsellor.
There was something else bugging him, though. While he knew that their marriage required repair, he also couldn’t deny the fact that his wife had a drinking problem and that problem was part of what was affecting their relationship.
The problem was that Ivie was refusing to acknowledge that her problem was part of the reasons their marriage was hanging by a thread.
In the initial days before he realized her habit was more than a habit, he had joked about it with her parents during a family call one time.
Her parents were in Italy for a medical conference and had called in to speak to them, Deji had made a throwaway comment about how Ivie would fit well in Italy since she was such a wine connoisseur.
The smile on her mother’s face had thinned and there was an awkwardness that filled the air. Ivie had given a nervous laugh and playfully bumped his shoulders.
“I see you still enjoy your wine, Ivie,” her mother said eventually. There was an edge, an underlying ambiguity in her words that Deji didn’t understand.
Ivie hadn’t responded, instead gave a tiny nod and averted her eyes.
“I hope you aren’t letting her indulge, Deji. Our daughter can be quite…thirsty,” her mother continued.
Deji looked from Ivie and back to the screen, unsure what was happening. He knew he was in the middle of something but he was struggling to figure it out.
“Um Mummy, she’s…she’s good,” he said, lamely.
“Yes, good at guzzling,” her mother said.
“Honey, that’s enough. Deji seems to be handling it.” Her father had cut in.
The first time Deji had met Ivie’s father, he had wished he was his son. Dr. David had a charisma that commanded respect whenever he entered a room. He was well-spoken and soft spoken, a total opposite of Deji’s own father who enjoyed the sound of his voice so much he spoke loudly each chance he got. At fifty-seven, Ivie’s dad was an impressive 5’9, standing an inch taller than Deji. He was a man of few words, and when he did speak, his soft voice was a contrast to his physical stature.
Opposites certainly did attract because where Ivie’s father was gentle and spoke only when necessary, Ivie’s mother was a powerhouse of thoughts and opinions delivered with layers of sarcasm. Dr. Catherine was well known for her no-nonsense approach to life. If Deji was to describe his mother-in-law in one word, he would call her severe. He often thought she was better suited for a school principal or matron role than a doctor because he wondered what her bedside manner was like. How did she deliver bad news to patients and their families?
He had to give it to her though, she was smart, one of the best surgeons around, Ivie had told him. In her office at the private hospital they owned, her wall was lined with awards and Ivie had confided that she sometimes found it intimidating. Ivie had told him from the beginning that her relationship with her mother was complicated and being the only child didn’t help matters.
Deji wondered what his mother-in-law would think if she knew how far their marriage had spiralled. Would she turn her nose up at the notion of marriage counselling? Surely, they had never needed counselling. His father-in-law was too calm to get entangled with his wife’s shenanigans. His thoughts drifted to his parent’s marriage, had it been worth saving? If his mother had admitted to his father’s abuse, could they have sought help? Could they have been helped? Was an abuser not always an abuser? His father was a bully who made himself feel bigger by making his wife feel small. This meant that he would never have agreed to go for counselling, he would have thought it was a waste of time.
Was marriage counselling a waste of time? Deji wondered. He wondered about the statistics of people who went to counselling and succeeded. Were there people who failed at marriage counselling?
Deji’s problem, he realized, was that he cared too much what people thought about him.
Like now with the marriage counsellor. Even though he and Ivie had agreed that he choose the counsellor because he had a better and clearer sense of judgment, he was second-guessing his choice as their first appointment approached.
“Are you up for this?” he asked Ivie, two days before their scheduled appointment.
Ivie gave him a sideways look. They were having dinner with the kids – Ivie’s signature spaghetti and meatballs.
“Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?” she asked, emptying a forkful of spaghetti into Tolu’s mouth while simultaneously plucking a stray strand of spaghetti from his bib.
“Yes,” he replied.
“Daddy, are you and Mummy talking about something top secret?” Lara asked, taking a sip of water.
“Yes baby,” Deji said.
“I think you mean, are you up for this?” Ivie said. “I guess the question is, do you think this is worth saving?”
