BENJY
Benjy had thought that he would feel a huge sense of relief when Lizzy finally got around to the idea of letting go of the baby instead he felt a sense of dread settle over him as he heard her words.
He shook his head, a physical gesture that closely resembled the ones he saw in cartoons when the character wanted some sort of clarity of thought.
He didn’t understand why he wasn’t feeling the excitement he expected to feel. Why did he feel…sad? Was that what this feeling was? This chill that slipped itself around his heart?
“Are you sure?” he asked, his voice velvety soft.
She didn’t look at him as she said; “I’m not sure of anything, Benjy. I thought this was what you wanted. I guess I should just do it. You were right. We…I am not ready for this.”
“Um…” he reached out, taking her hand in his. “That’s the thing. I’m not sure how right I was, or if I was right in the first place. I think I was just being selfish.”
This time, she looked up, sniffling, her eyes puffy with shed and unshed tears.
“What…what are you saying?” she asked.
“I…I don’t know.”
“Benjy!” Lizzy pulled her hand away with unrestrained vehemence. “I hate this. I hate this…game you’re playing. You are blowing hot and cold and it’s so confusing. I don’t need any of this right now. You need to be a man. Say what you want. Say something and mean it. Be a man of your word, for once.”
Benjy sat back, letting her words sink in. She was right. He was being a coward right now, waiting for something or someone else to decide for him. He was waiting for some sort of sign from the universe, perhaps. Or a sign from…God? Wasn’t his uneasiness about terminating the pregnancy sign enough, though?
Two weeks ago, he would have had no qualms about it. He would have been glad to have that chapter of his life wrapped up and thrown into his past. So, what changed? Why did he feel uneasy?
His thoughts drifted to his mother again. He realized he had thought about her more in the past weeks than he had in a long time. His mind kept going in a loop: what would she have done if she was alive to witness this? Would she have been disappointed in him for even considering an abortion? All life was real life, was what she often said. Foetus or not, as long as conception had happened, it meant the cycle of life had begun.
Their mother had been a Biology teacher a long time ago so she was comfortable conducting sex education sessions for all three of them.
Abstinence was the best birth control, she said. In addition to that, as a Christian, God had put principles in place because He wanted the world to avoid procedures like truncating the life of an unborn child.
Murder isn’t when you kill someone who is existing in the outside world. Abortion is murder in disguise.
Okay Mum, that’s a little too extreme, he remembered saying to her then.
You know what’s extreme? Having sex and not expecting repercussions.
He liked that his mother hadn’t been delusional to think that her sons were not exploring their sexuality. She was different with Ore, though. Virginity was the premium expectation for Ore. Mum believed that a woman’s value was in whether or not they kept themselves until they married.
Their mother was a bundle of contradictions, Benjy was realising. How could the woman who preached abstinence to her boys have zero expectation that her daughter will be curious about the subject of sex too?
He wondered about Deji, what would he think about this situation? What would he have done if he was in Benjy’s shoes? Benjy could take a wild guess. His brother was perfect. He was Mr Goody-Two-shoes who always tried to do the right thing no matter what. It was a quality that made Benjy resent him and respect him at the same time. While the rest of them were trying to figure life out, Deji seemed to cruise by on good deeds and perfection.
Life was so unfair.
“Benjy. Benjy. Answer me please, or get out.” Lizzy’s voice pulled him out of the depth of his thoughts.
“I’m sorry, Lizzy,” he said because there was nothing left to say.
“Sorry? Sorry? For God’s sake, that’s not what I need to hear right now, Benjy. I need more than I’m sorry. You know what? Get out. Please just leave. You’re useless anyway.”
Benjy knew that walking away would be the easiest thing to do. He could go and never look back, blame it on her.
“Lizzy, please.”
“You’re such a coward, you know. I can’t believe I thought I was falling in love with you.” There was no anger in her words, just deep sadness and disappointment.
Benjy didn’t flinch. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard this. Women with whom he’d been having fun with, who admitted to beginning to have feelings for him. It was often his signal to walk away. Love wasn’t for him. Falling in love was overrated, he believed. People did terrible things in the name of love. Wouldn’t his father have said he loved their mother? In fact, hadn’t he said it at the funeral with tears in his eyes and a tremor in his voice?
And he had sounded genuine, not like he was playing the role of the grieving spouse. Benjy realized that their father actually believed he loved their mother. It made him sick to think about it.
What was this love everyone spoke about like some powerful all-consuming force that made them do things they wouldn’t otherwise do?
So no, love wasn’t for him.
“I agree,” he said eventually. “I am a coward. But what else can I be in a situation like this? Your life…our lives are about to change no matter the decision we take. I’m terrified because I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I wish I could tell you I was a hundred percent certain about anything but truthfully, I am not. This is real life. Our lives and the life of a potential human and I don’t know how to tell you that maybe getting rid of the baby isn’t the right thing to do.”
Lizzy’s eyes were glassy as she spoke;
“This is the first time you’re being…vulnerable with me,” she gave a hiccupy laugh. “And for some weird reason, it’s endearing. I think I preferred when you were arrogant and mean.”
He returned her smile, “arrogant, yes, but not mean. I try my best to never be mean.”
Lizzy shifted in her seat, pulling her legs together. She did have nice legs, Benjy remembered. He had kissed them before and it had felt really good.
He shook his head to get rid of those thoughts. He didn’t need to be distracted.
“So, Mr Arrogant but not mean, what next?” She asked.
“I can’t believe I’m about to say this but…I think we should consider keeping it.”
