CLEO
Cleo’s mind was buzzing. The pill she’d taken twenty minutes earlier hadn’t kicked in yet, and her thoughts flitted like moths around a too-bright bulb, impossible to pin down. She couldn’t focus without the tangle of betrayal pulling tight across her chest.
The rest of their Mother’s Day celebration had been miserable. Cleo had almost packed up and driven home that first night, her heart hammering too hard to enjoy the soft hotel linens or the view from the suite.But Jacob had begged her to stay; they had dinner reservations at that fancy new spot downtown they’d been eyeing for months.
She’d stayed because even though she felt hollow and raw inside, she knew these getaways were rare.
If anyone in their marriage had been a candidate for unfaithfulness, it should have been her.
Cleo had been reckless in her twenties, she was the greedy type, the one who dated multiple men at once, each one convinced they were her only. It was partly why her relationships were short-lived because one of them eventually found out about the other, and demanded exclusivity, which Cleo was not ready to give.
She hadn’t thought she was cheating then, because in her head she was young and entitled to explore. That is, until Jacob. With him came…contentment.
Even through dry spells in their sex life post-babies, she’d stayed faithful. Yes, there was the porn, which was her guilty pleasure; a lil something to take the edge off (or sharpen it, whatever was the case). And the harmless flirtations with coworkers, cashiers and even a few of Jacob’s colleagues because there was a part of her that needed reassuring, the part of her that still craved attention. But she’d never crossed that line.
So, that’s why it stung that Jacob was the one who had. In the back of her mind, the place where she put all nasty thoughts, Cleo couldn’t help thinking she could kiss someone now. Jacob had broken the hedge. It was now a free for all, right? Not that she was going to, or that she wanted to. Not really. But the fact that she could, thrilled her.
Later that night at the hotel, after dinner and wine, Jacob had reached for her in bed. She should probably have asked him to sleep on the couch, but what was the point? Cleo had never believed in doing things because it was popular in Hollywood. How did she feel? She felt like she didn’t want to sleep in the king size bed alone. So, when he’d reached for her, she’d found herself curious and yielding to his touch. Would he taste different? Would he carry the scent of her on his neck?
They had ended up having sex, the rough kind, the one she loved and this time, she took control. When she kissed him, she imagined she was tasting this other faceless woman.
“Did she kiss you like this?” she breathed into his mouth, nipping his bottom lip until he winced.
“Cleo…stop. You’re killing me.” It was the fun kind of killing, of course, because she had him in her hands.
“Good,” she said. “Because you deserve it.”
For the first time in a long time, she refused to be dominated.
“Please, Cleo. Please, just let me…” Jacob begged as she straddled him.
“Not until I say so,” she said, her emotions swinging between fury and longing.
When she finally relented, it was glorious. Shameful. One of the best they’d had in a while.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered in her ears as they lay curled against each other in a feline, post-coital haze.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, her voice quiet but firm.
And since then, they hadn’t spoken about it but Cleo couldn’t get the picture of Jacob kissing someone else out of her mind.
That afternoon, she found herself spiraling again. Her thoughts drifted until she nearly missed Mandy rolling off the couch. That snapped her back. Her chest tightened, and her hands trembled as she scooped the baby into her arms.
That was when she knew she needed a distraction. She took a pill, the small white kind that numbed her just enough, then pulled out her phone and texted Jacob.
Was she white or black?
He didn’t respond. Of course not, he was busy doing supervisory things on the construction site. Or he was kissing someone else.
She tapped out another message. This time to Jacob’s mother.
Hi Nanna. Mandy misses you. I have a quick errand to run. Are you able to take her for an hour or two?
Her mother-in-law’s response came almost immediately.
Of course. I just got back from the gym. Bring her over.
Jacob’s family were fitness fads, always in and out of the gym, so much discipline that Cleo admired.
She dressed Mandy and packed her diaper bag. Perhaps getting out of the house was going to help clear her head.
**
Before she texted Tara, Cleo found herself driving to the site Jacob was currently working on. She hadn’t planned it beforehand. She’d dropped off Mandy and intended to drive somewhere, anywhere, but she’d ended up there.
What was she doing?
What did she hope to see?
It was just a kiss. Jacob was a good man, that she knew.
He’d made a mistake.
Her phone pinged and she slid it out of her pocket.
Babe, don’t do this, please.
She looked up, wondering if somehow he’d spotted her SUV. But then she realised he was responding to her text.
Just tell me.
Can we talk when I get home, please?
Why, is she there with you right now?
Her phone rang. It was Jacob.
She picked.
“You said you didn’t want to talk about it,” he said.
“I changed my mind. I’m allowed to change my mind, right?”
“Yes baby, you are. I just…I don’t want to talk about it like this. Can we just talk when I get home? I promise I’ll answer any questions you have.”
She didn’t say anything.
“Cleo, baby. Please. I want to fix this. Please, let’s talk when I get home.”
“Okay,” she said.
When he hung up, she texted Tara.
Up for some company?
She wasn’t sure why it was Tara she thought of reaching out to but she knew she didn’t want to be alone.
If she’d reached out any of her friends from her former life, there was no guarantees that she wouldn’t break open before them. They were the ones who knew who she was before, and who she was parading herself to be now, it would be so easy to fall back in, to damn the consequences because Jacob already had.
She was glad when Tara responded, gladder even when she said she was out shopping. For the first time since she took the pill almost a half hour ago, Cleo felt her nerves relaxing, and by the time she got to the store, she was humming to herself.
Maybe she would be ready to talk with Jacob tonight.
**
They had put the kids to bed, and they sat in their bedroom together. Jacob had come home with white chocolate (her favourite) and a card that said I’m sorry I was stupid that had a photo of a lego face turned upside down. Cleo hadn’’t known they made apology cards.
“I hate you,” she said, when he handed it to her. “I hate that you did this.”
“I hate me too,” he said. “Can I get a hug?”
“Not right now,” she said. “Let’s talk.”
And so, there they were, seated on opposite sides of the bed like there was an invisible line drawn.
“What do you want to know?” Jacob asked.
“Who was she?”
“A random colleague.”
“Were you…are you attracted to her?”
“Never. No. It was a spur of the moment thing. Too much to drink. I don’t see her anymore. She’s working at another site now.”
“Did you, did you both talk about it after?”
“The next day. She apologised.”
“Was she white or black?”
“White.”
“Do you want to be with a white woman?”
“I want to be with only you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know, Cleo. I don’t know. I was scared. I was foolish. I thought it was a blip and I didn’t want to ruin our marriage with it.”
Cleo sighed.
“What do I need to do to fix this? What do you need?” Jacob asked.
Cleo looked him in his eyes, “I don’t know.”
And then she began to sob.