DEJI
It was Saturday and Deji had promised to take his children out to the park for a quick run around. So there he was.
Spending time with his children was often capable of putting a smile on his face, making him forget his shaky marriage but today was different.
Ever since he had made his big “confession” to the stranger at the other end of the chat, he had felt a chasm of guilt open up within him. It felt like he had sinned; committed a grave act that required penance and so the first thing he did was log himself out of his account on the app.
It was only a matter of time, he realized before he would cross another line, peel another layer off his carefully constructed life, and show more than he wanted to this stranger online. Even though they used anonymous names, even though everything seemed like their real identities were hidden, he was smart enough to know that nothing was ever a hundred percent especially when it came to the cyber world.
So, he decided that a break from the chat room was very much in order. If his marriage was falling apart, he needed to face it and deal with it in person.
However, this gesture wasn’t enough, he found. His guilt was a living thing, actively working its way through his heart like a caterpillar working its way through an apple, corrupting and creating holes. And how did he assuage his guilt?
By working overtime to please his wife. By pretending more than usual that he was fine with her, with them and their situation.
There was a coldness he sensed from Ivie; an aloofness that didn’t exist before their date that night. It was like she was shutting down parts of her to him and frankly, it scared him.
She functioned as usual, was able to pick up the kids from school the rest of the week, had even taken them for ice cream on Friday, and the children had come home buzzing with excitement about their day.
It was the first time in a long time Deji had gotten home from work to find his family away. As expected, he had panicked. He went to their rooms immediately and threw open their closet doors; when he saw that their belongings were still intact, he relaxed a little.
But where had they gone? He called the school and the admin officer said Ivie picked them up hours ago. When he called Ivie, her phone rang but she didn’t answer the call.
She was punishing him, he concluded. And that would have been fine except, was she sober? Or was she endangering the life of his kids?
He didn’t know what to do, so he got in his car and began to drive around town. Maybe he would see something…had they gotten in an accident?
Ivie was not reckless. She was not wicked, either. But who knew? Didn’t alcohol sometimes reveal parts of themselves that the alcoholics didn’t know existed?
It was past 7 pm when he got home from his drive, after dialling Ivie six more times and finally receiving a text that said; Home now.
By the time he was pulling into their driveway, he was relieved and upset all at once. He sat in the car for a few minutes before heading into the house.
“Daddy!” his daughters ran to him, swinging themselves around him like little monkeys.
They smelled like vanilla and chocolate, and for the first time that evening, Deji felt his heart rate normalize.
“We had ice cream and lots of syrup,” they began to chatter away, narrating their day.
They were still wearing their school uniforms: smart blue check pinafores and white shirts and even though they could use a bath, they looked happy.
Over their heads, his eyes caught Ivie’s. She was holding Tolu, who was squirming to be let go.
“Hi,” she said.
He searched her face for a hint of anything, but she gave nothing away.
“I called you,” he said.
“I wanted to spend quality time with the kids so my phone was on silent.”
Gently, she walked over to him and placed Tolu on the floor in front of him.
Her words made sense, but the way she said them didn’t. There was nothing he could do about it, though. He was simply grateful his children were safe.
This had been yesterday, and he had decided to spend his quality time with the kids today. He hadn’t pushed Ivie any further to understand where her head was at, in fact, they’d barely said a word to each other last night after dinner. They were walking on eggshells, waiting to implode…or explode.
It bothered him. It bothered him so much that he couldn’t focus on being available and present for his kids.
“Daddy, daddy, come and push me!” Lola called out, breaking into his thoughts.
He looked up from where he was sitting on the neatly cut grass, throwing a ball back and forth with his son.
“Okay love, coming.” he pulled himself up to his feet, handing the ball to Tolu. I’ll be right back, little man.”
Lola was the more dependent of his twins and it was something that endeared him to her. It made him want to protect her and keep her as his little girl forever. Lara, on the other hand, was more independent and introspective. She was the one most likely to read the emotions on his face and intuit that something was wrong. It was something he loved about her too. How two children born from the same embryo could be so different marvelled him.
He positioned himself behind Lola’s swing and pushed, keeping an eye on Tolu who was now fascinated by something in the grass. Tolu’s speech was slower to come in compared to his sisters and initially, it had been a cause for concern for him. He had suggested six months ago that they take him to see a specialist but Ivie had been against the idea.
“There’s nothing wrong with him,” she said with vehemence. “He’s fine.”
Deji found that he couldn’t help wondering if there was guilt in her words. Did she feel bad that she had somehow put their child in harm’s way while she was pregnant?
He had dropped the matter then, unwilling to start a fight he wasn’t committed to.
Six months later, Tolu had more words but it seemed he was a boy of few words. He didn’t chatter away the way the girls did when they were his age but Deji had learned not to compare his children because they were all different and unique.
“Daddy?” It was Lara who called him this time.
She had slowed on the swing, kicking her right foot slightly in the air as she turned to look at him.
“Yes, darling?”
“Are you and Mummy fighting?”
