ORE
Ore could feel the pressure building inside her as she uttered those words. Never had she seen her brother look at her the way he was looking at her now. Benjy was the brother who was very supportive of her, he cheered her on and never made her feel like her mistakes were what defined her.
But this time, she could see she had disappointed him gravely.
“Why?” he asked.
“I was a child.”
“Yes, but now you’re an adult and you obviously believe that Dad is a saint.”
“I said I didn’t know about what he did to Mum.”
“Or maybe you knew and you just decided to close your eyes to it because you didn’t want to distort the image of your perfect father.”
“That’s unfair,” Ore held back the tears threatening to spill from her. She couldn’t believe she was fighting with her favourite brother, couldn’t believe all the things she was hearing.
Was Benjy right? Had she known on a subconscious level that their father wasn’t good to their mother?
She tried to search her memory for tidbits of information. Had she seen bruises? Noticed the way her mother was unusually subdued around their father whereas she was bubbly and outgoing around them? She didn’t recall seeing gestures of affection pass between her parents, no random hugs or kisses that two people in love often showed. And Ore knew for a fact that their mother was a physically affectionate person. She wasn’t like typical African mothers whose love language was food and clothing. No, she hugged them any chance she got, smothered them in kisses too, like the mothers in the foreign movies they watched did.
Maybe, Ore thought now, maybe the reason she gave them all that affection was because she didn’t want it wasted. After all, she didn’t receive enough of it from their father. Perhaps she had used her children to fill the void their father should have.
She knew her mother was soft, malleable like playdough when it came to their father’s wishes. Yet she had seen her exhibit strength in her principles, her faith, values and opinions about the world. Somehow Ore had believed that her mother had chosen to succumb to their father’s desires because she wanted to not because she had to.
“Wake up, Ore. I think Deji and I protected you too much from what we knew and saw,” Benjy was saying.
“I know…I know Mum was different around Dad. I liked her more when he wasn’t around,” Ore said. “But I…also loved Dad. I still…I still love him. He was…is good to me. I can’t erase that, Benjy.”
“Do you know that…the reason I don’t want to get married or have a family is because of him?” Benjy said. “That the reason I’m terrified of becoming a father is because I don’t want to turn out like him.”
Ore wasn’t sure how many more revelations she could take this afternoon. She had about ten minutes of her lunch break left and she didn’t think they had actually gotten to the reason her brother had wanted to see her today.
She had always assumed Benjy was just being a typical bachelor, that he didn’t want to settle down just yet but that eventually he would change his mind and want the full-time companionship of a woman.
“I didn’t know,” she said. “I didn’t know it was that bad. I didn’t know.”
“Maybe think about why you chose Ramsey,” Benjy said.
“What?” Ore felt her defenses go up. She knew her brother had never liked Ramsey, he thought she had rushed into marriage with a man she barely knew as a way to sandpaper her grief when their mother died. Was he right? In hindsight, she realized he was. She hadn’t known Ramsey well enough before walking down the aisle with him. She had enjoyed how he swooped in and took care of her emotionally, financially and sexually and isn’t that what she’d always wanted? Someone to take care of her, to continue to wrap her in the protective bubble she’d enjoyed as the last born and only girl.
And Ramsey had done that for her at the time. Ramsey might not be the best husband right now, but he had been the medicine she needed when she was drowning in her grief. She wasn’t sure how she would have gotten through that time in her life without his attention, and Ore could see how that said a lot about her. The fact that she had needed a man to carry her through that season of grief was troubling. It could have been any man, she realized. It just so happened that Ramsey was the available one.
“He reminds me a lot of Dad,” Benjy was saying. “And remember, I know about your…plan.”
Ore felt her heart begin to beat faster.
“What plan?”
“Kids.”
Ore sighed. She trusted her brother, knew he would never betray her secret, but she also knew that sharing that secret with him over a year ago had given him more ammunition against her husband.
“That’s my choice, Benjy.”
“So, you’re saying it has nothing to do with your husband? You’re not holding back on having kids with him because he is not who you thought he was? Come on, Ore. I’m not stupid, and neither are you.”
It was uncanny how spot on Benjy was about his analysis of her life with Ramsey and a part of Ore wanted to open up, to share with him about Ramsey’s manipulative behaviour, the way he made her feel like she was his whole world one minute and then feel like she was worthless the next. Or about the fact that she was still intensely attracted to him and how sometimes the best sex they had was usually after he had just finished tearing her down emotionally. What kind of depraved person was she, she wondered?
She probably needed therapy to discover what was broken inside of her, but what if she didn’t like what she found when she looked within? Could she handle the changes, the revelations?
“You’ve never liked Ramsey, and I don’t know why. Maybe you’re just projecting your feelings about him on me,” she said to her brother. “I changed my mind about having kids, that’s all. It had nothing to do with him.”
“Exactly,” Benjy slipped his hand into his pocket. “Last time I checked, married people don’t take such decisions without talking to their spouse about it. The fact that you have chosen to be deceitful about it says a lot about your marriage. Even I can see that.”
“And I don’t think you’re in the position to judge me. It’s my life, my marriage, my body and my choices.” Ore’s voice had gone up a decibel and she knew she had to get out of there soon.
Benjy stood then, shaking his head.
“I thought you and Mum were the same but I see now how different you are.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’re a coward. Mum made her choice and stood by it. You, you slink and hide and pretend that you’re happy.”
“Benjy!” his words cut deep and she felt the tears begin to spill out of the corner of her eyes.
She sat there and through her film of tears watched him turn his back and walk away from her.
